What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 07:04
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
This is soul school!.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So, i spoilt her more .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So whats the point in blame.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She loved him until the end.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
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What are some sad truths about life?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I said to her
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She found it foreign!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
When she asked me how she looked .
All the time i was locked up.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im still living with it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But ive been too sick for many years..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I will be 64.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was seconnd youngest,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it wasn’t much.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Ive learnt so much.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But, we were locked up after school.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Put me off passion for life!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was 9 years of age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My family never makes their pension either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He knew the spot.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot live in the past .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My life is so biszare .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I think the readers, may guess!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Would this be the day?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were not on the streets..
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I have no regrets .
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!